Between Love And Hate, There's You
by RipleynCarlisle1
Summary: She can't escape her feelings for him.And he can't deny his lust for her... BCJ/OC Rated T for safety.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey, guys! This is a story I wrote a while back** **but didn't get round to publishing it for ages, so here it is. I've edited this chapter a lot and it was a journey to hell and back since my character was a MASSIVE Mary Sue but now she should be okay. It was difficult to cut out all of the unnecessary crap that I threw in there but I hope it's alright. **

**Sebastia Shambles belongs to me.**

**Harry Potter belongs to the amazing J.K Rowling**

**_Snow White Queen_ belongs to Evanescence (Story didn't quite work without it! Sorry!)  
**

**Enjoy and R&R :)**

I woke late, near noon. My head was pounding. At first, I couldn't remember why but after a few agonising moments I recalled the previous night. Professor Moody calling me to his office for another detention; except not long afterwards it hadn't been him. He'd become someone else. Someone I vaguely recognised but definitely remembered seeing somewhere. Then I heard the name ring in my head.

_Crouch._

Bartemius Crouch was head if some Ministry department. He wasn't a particularly nice man in my opinion but his name seemed to ring out to me. He'd never had any importance in my life… but he had a son. I remembered seeing the name _Bartemius Crouch Jr. _in the paper when I was younger. He was sent to Azkaban by his own father because he was a Death Eater. I remembered the photo. A terrified young man; his eyes wide with fear and red from crying. I didn't blame him for being scared. A lifetime in Azkaban… I couldn't even begin to fathom it. But he'd somehow escaped and was here. Disguised as Professor Alastor Moody…

I'd looked up to Moody to whole life. I wanted to become an Auror ever since I could remember. I told myself I'd be just like Moody. I didn't need a family, husband or children. I'd live alone, fight Dark Wizards, send them Azkaban and maybe get a scar or two as a trophy of my success. But all that seemed so far away…

I slowly lifted my head to see where 400 and Graymalkin were. I could hear my neck creaking, stiff from being in the same position since I'd gone to sleep. I sat up; my back was also stiff and slightly bruised. It took me a second to remember why. The worst off was my thighs. They were sore and bruised. It took me a moment or two to get out of bed and standing on my feet. I felt dizzy and disorientated so I sat back down. I sighed and massaged my temples. I looked at the clock. It was half past eleven. My stomach gave a sudden jolt. It was a Wednesday and I was missing lessons. I bit my lip. Well there's no point in going to lessons today, I thought to myself. I'd just go down at lunch.

A sound at the window made me jump. Graymalkin and 400 were sat outside scratching at the glass, making an awful sound for my aching head. I got up and unlocked the window.

"Finally," 400 hissed and went over to his water bowl.

"You were definitely out for the count this morning, Seb," Graymalkin said kindly. I much preferred him to 400.

"I got to bed late," I whispered not looking at him.

He eyed me for a moment. He knew there was something wrong but he didn't question. Instead he went to over to the water bowl, that 400 had finished with and was settling himself on my armchair. He too was watching me warily.

400 and Graymalkin were ghosts that lived in the tower that I had claimed as my room. 400 had lived here since it was built and he claimed himself to be Salazar Slytherin's pet cat that he'd experimented on, giving him the ability to talk. I didn't know whether this was true or not since he was a pathological liar. He was cruel and spiteful despite being a bloody cat. Graymalkin had been a student here a few centuries ago. He was an Animagus but had died in the form of a cat and couldn't change back. He was lovely though.

"Missing a fun lesson of double Potions today, Sebastia," 400 said now in a nasty tone.

I just shot him a glare and started looking for clothes. I had a horrible feeling in the stomach and the seconds passed, I felt less and less hungry. The feeling was beginning to swell around my body, filling every corner with a nasty, dirty feeling. I felt unclean but not in the sense that I needed a bath. It was difficult to comprehend the feeling but yet it was continuing to swirl around inside me, blinding me, numbing me and taking over my thoughts. Next thing I knew, I was laying on my bed. I checked the time. Three o'clock. I'd missed the whole school day. I still wasn't hungry. Graymalkin was lying by my head. He opened his eyes when he felt me stirring.

"What happened?" I muttered.

"You fainted," he said shortly. "How are you feeling now?"

"Fine."

It was the biggest lie I'd ever told.

There was a knocking on my door.

"Seb!" It was Danski, my older cousin. "Seb, you in there?"

"Where have you been all day?" Sanguinerra, my other older cousin.

"Seb, you missed your detention with Trelawney. She's not happy about it." Cassiopeia, my sister.

I didn't say anything. I felt like crying. I turned away from the door and curled up into a ball. I bit my lip again. I could feel tears swelling up in my eyes. Why was I crying? I asked this question a thousand times in my head. But I was lying if I said I didn't know the answer. I knew exactly why. I was crying because I was ashamed. What Barty had done to me was wrong in every way but how could I possibly tell anyone. Would I be thought less of? Would I no longer be the great and powerful Sebastia Shambles? Would I become like everyone else in the school? All fearing Voldemort and looking up to Harry Potter as a hero instead of an equal? I was fearing the unknown, something that had never really bothered me in the past. I would just take things in my stride and deal the outcomes, no matter how unpleasant. But now I didn't know what to do. There was no one I could turn to. I felt cornered. By guilt. By shame. By _him_.

My cousins had given up and gone down to dinner without me. I'd stayed in my curled position crying silent tears. I knew Graymalkin would try to think of comforting things to say but without an explanation he was stumped. 400 was elsewhere in the castle, probably tormenting Filch and Stone was safe in Hagrid's cabin with Fang. Stone was a massive, grey Irish wolfhound that was too big to live with me so I asked Hagrid to take care of him which he was more than happy to do. I'd bred Stone since he was a puppy. His father, Odin, lived back at home with Mum and Dad.

Home…

How could I possibly tell Mum and Dad what had happened? What would they say? Would they be disappointed that I was weak enough to let this happen? Probably. They knew how strong I was mentally. I knew my mind, inside and out. But right now, all I could muster was a few painful thoughts…

Him.

The reaction from my family.

The reaction from the school.

My reputation would go right under. I would no longer be the Snow White Queen…

I shuddered.

_He'd_ called me his Snow White Queen. Everyone knew how much I Muggle song. I felt sick remembering the way he'd hissed my own words right back in my ear.

_You belong to me,_

_My Snow White Queen._

_There's nowhere to run, so let's just get it over._

_Soon I know you'll see, _

_You're just like me._

_Don't scream anymore, my love, because all I want is you…_

So was that it? Did I belong to him now?

Then it hit me.

He was still here. He could do it again. And again. Were men ever satisfied? I didn't know. But I had the feeling that someone like him, someone so revenge-ridden and someone so sick as to take the innocence from a young girl, would never be satisfied with one time. He _would _do it again. I could taste it in my tears.


	2. Chapter 2

I didn't sleep much that night. I was too scared. I felt that he would burst into my room at any moment and repeat the previous night. The previous night _was_ repeating in my head. It wouldn't stop. It was like a stuck record, tauntingly repeating the worst moments…

I knew I wasn't ready to face the school yet but if I didn't turn up today, I feared half the staff would come crashing through walls. I woke up late again, around ten past nine. I was late for Transfiguration. I hurried stiffly around the room looking for things. I pulled on a used shirt, my tie, a creased skirt, odd socks and the first pair of boots I came across. I stuffed any old books and parchment into my bag and grabbed my jumper. I regretted not wearing tights because the bruises on my thighs were visible but thankfully my skirt was long enough.

I went down and stood outside the classroom for a moment trying to calm myself down. I took some deep breaths and pushed open the door. All faces in the room turned and stared at me. Some faces turned to disbelief as if Merlin himself had just wandered in wearing a t-shirt stating _I heart Voldemort_. Professor McGonagall, stood at the front of the class, was speechless. I avoided everyone's eyes as I went to the back and sat by myself instead of taking my usual seat next to Hermione. McGonagall cleared her throat and all eyes turned back to her. She carried on with her lesson but kept a wary eye on me. Thankfully, she didn't ask me any questions. I wouldn't have been able to answer to the due the fact that I wasn't listening. My brain was on shut down.

"-and I expect that piece in by next lesson. Class is over, you may pack up. Miss Shambles, I would like a word," McGonagall said, gesturing me to the front. I hadn't taken anything out of my bag so I got up and went to the front. She waited until everybody had left, then spoke.

"I hear you didn't show up to any lessons yesterday. And you arrive twenty minutes late to my lesson, looking as though you have been dragged through a hedge backwards. Care to explain?"

I looked at her. I tried to say something but my voice was empty. I just stood there trying to form words but I couldn't.

McGonagall sighed. "Are you ill?"

I shook my head uncertainly. Was I?

"You may leave," she said shortly.

I turned and left the classroom. I had Divination next. I remembered what Cassiopeia had said yesterday. I had a detention with Trelawney. I wasn't in the mood for it so I went down to the library. It was empty. Just the way I wanted it to be. I settled down in the far corner on an old battered arm chair, hidden away from sight, reading a book I'd picked up randomly. And that's when I heard it.

A foot step. And the unmistakable _clunk_ of Professor Moody's walking stick.

My heart stopped. I bones were frozen with fear. He was back. Did he know I was in here? Probably. His magical eye missed nothing.

I stayed silent. He was coming closer. Was he coming down this isle?

No.

He stopped about two isles down from me. This gave me chance to escape. I put the book down carefully, picked up my bag and tip-toed my way over to the door, constantly glancing back over my shoulder to see if he was there. I stopped at the door and had another look. He was nowhere to be seen. Was this just my anxiety playing tricks on me? I opened the door and walked right into somebody. I stumbled back in surprise and fell to the floor. It seemed as though there was a split second between me realising Moody was standing at the door and me screaming in pure terror. He held out a hand to help me up but I continued to shout incoherently.

Students and teachers started pouring out into the corridors to see what the commotion was. McGonagall surged through the crowd and hoisted me up by the collar.

"Back to class now!" she shouted at the other students. Still a hold of me, she gestured Moody to follow and lead the way to her office.

"Sit," she said, sharply, seating herself behind her desk. Moody stayed by the door, both eyes on me and watched as I placed myself on the seat, shame heavy on my chest.

"Right. This is the second time _this morning_ that you've interrupted lessons," McGonagall snapped.

"Merely a misunderstanding," Moody growled.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Miss Shambles was leaving the library and I was just entering. I seem to given her quite the scare."

I heard the sharp malice in his words that McGonagall seemed to miss. I couldn't bring myself to look at him.

"Duly noted," McGonagall said. "But still. She interrupted lessons and was twenty minutes late for _my_ lesson this morning and I don't believe Professor Moody can provide an explanation for that."

I pulled a face into my lap. 'He was the whole damn reason!' I shouted in my head.

"She'll have to be punished," Moody said.

My heart stopped. I knew what was coming.

"Indeed," McGonagall said. "I'll leave her in your hands."

I shuddered.

"I think a few detentions will do the trick."

I could hear the twisted grin in his voice. I was near to tears. What was I doing? At the beginning of this week, I would have been arguing my case no end and even then I _maybe_ would've got out of a detention.

But now…

I was allowing it to happen. I was walking right into his hands. I just didn't have anything in me to testify.


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry, I thought this chapter was longer. Oh well, enjoy**.

My detention with _him _was at eight o'clock that evening. I ran straight down to dinner, grabbed a slice of chicken pie and ran up the marble stairs, dropping gravy and unintentionally ignoring the greetings from several other students as I went. I ran up my lone spiralling staircase up to my room where I sat, cross-legged on my bed staring at the clock. What I should have been doing was arming myself for my detention, but there I was, almost willing the ticking hands of time hurry like… _I wanted to see Barty again! _

I pulled a face at the thought. I caught myself in the mirror with the expression. I smiled at me. It wasn't a very convincing smile. I looked back the clock.

Five to eight.

I took a deep breath.

It was time to face him once again.

I walked to his office, my legs were wobbly and my breath was shaky as I stood outside the door. I knocked.

"Come in!"

I hesitated. It wasn't Moody's gruff voice. But it was deep and definitely a man's voice. _His_ voice.

I pushed open the door and looked around. The office looked the same. Moody's trench coat was hung up on the wall and there was a pile of paperwork stacked on the desk next to the Foe-Glass. All I could hear was the low humming of the Sneakoscope. Then the door shut behind me and I jumped. I turned and saw Barty leaning against the wall, his arms folded over his chest, his sharp, brown eyes piercing my heart and that little smirk that made him almost… _good looking._ He looked younger than I remembered, possibly mid-twenties to late but how old _I_ was didn't seem to matter to him in the slightest.

Before I could say anything, he'd advanced towards me and had grabbed me from behind. He had his hand around my throat and was pulling our bodies close whilst he kissed along my jaw and neck. His other hand was free to wander… My breathing shattered and began shaking uncontrollably.

"Didn't think you were going to turn up," he half-hissed, half-whispered into my ear between kisses. "Either way, you're going to be mine tonight, _my Snow White Queen_."

I shivered again and he smirked. He used his free hand to unbutton my cardigan and pulled it off of my shoulders. He used both hands to caress my arms for a moment before suddenly pushing me forward towards the bed that stood in the next room. The bedroom door swung back as he pushed me through it and hit the wall so hard it left a mark. There was just a gap left between the door and the frame.

He was on top of me, kissing me, touching me and slowly loosening my clothes with his hands. He had thrown my shirt onto the floor and was unzipping my skirt when there was a knock on the office door. His hand suddenly clamped over my mouth to stop me speaking. He stopped dead, his eyes wide. They slowly left me and looked at the bedroom door. The office door had opened.

"Alastor, I have the…" McGonagall's voice was cut short.

Barty leaned back to look through the gap.

McGonagall sighed, put something on his desk and left, slamming the door shut on her way out. Barty stayed completely still for a moment, then clicked his fingers which locked the door and gave me a smirk.

"That was close," he grinned and kissed me.


	4. Chapter 4

I'm not sure when or how but we'd both stopped and had fallen asleep. I think I had been asleep for two or three hours before I woke. I turned on my side and opened my eyes. Barty was there. Right next to me, his hand placed on my hip. He was asleep. He looked so peaceful, like he wasn't the same maniac that had been source of the aching pain between my thighs. I took his hand by the wrist, moved it off me and sat up. I took a few deep breaths before I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and sat there for a few minutes. I was about to stand up, when a pair of hands grabbed me around the waist and pulled me back to the bed. He was leaning over me; his face so close to mine that our noses were touching.

"Where do you think you're going, hmm?" he whispered, kissing me.

"I have to get to my room before dawn," I muttered.

He smirked, got off of me and started wandering around the room, looking for something. I sat up and watched him. He was picking up my clothes and putting them on the bed. I seemed to be the only one not wearing anything. He was shirtless but he still had his trousers on although the buckles and buttons on the front were undone. He looked at me.

"Aren't you going to get dressed?"

I hesitated a moment before taking my clothes off the bed and began to put them on. He went into his office, leaving me by myself to get dressed. I slipped back on my skirt, shirt and underwear. I balled my socks and tie into my boots. I didn't wear my boots; they would echo too much in the corridors.

I emerged from the bedroom and picked up my cardigan that was still lying out in the office. I slipped it on. It smelt like Barty.

Barty was sat at his desk, looking at some paperwork that McGonagall had obviously dropped off earlier with an irritated look on his face.

It changed to curiousness when he saw me.

"Is that everything?" he asked.

I nodded. "Should be," I said in a small voice quite unlike my own.

He stared at me for a moment. Suddenly, he got up and rushed forward, took me in his arms, making me drop my boots, and kissed me.

I'm not sure how long we were there, kissing so passionately. He'd been rough at first but had relaxed when I did it back. So that was it. I was no longer fighting it. The guilty, dirty, shameful feeling was still there but had somehow been crushed by a new feeling. A gentle, pulsing feeling. The feeling that I was in love. In love with this man. In love with Bartemius Crouch Jr. In love with his boyish smirk, his tongue flicker, his piercing eyes, his dark messy hair, his playful hands, his gentle lips and his body so close to mine.

He pulled away and smiled at me. A _genuine _smile; not that devilish smirk he always wore. He stroked my cheek with his hand and gently kissed my forehead. My lips quivered.

"You should go now. I don't want you to be late for my lesson tomorrow," he whispered softly.

I smiled for the first time in days. We shared another kiss for a quiet moment. It was different this time. It was gentle, almost caring. He stroked my face again and turned back towards his room.

I opened the door leading out to the corridor and stole a glance back at him. He turned at the same time and smiled at me before I closed the door.

I stood out in the corridor for a moment trying to breathe calmly. And then I ran.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey guys.**

**I'm sorry these chapters are quite short but that's the way Younger Me set it out. Now Me is just checking spelling, grammar and missing words. More chapters to come. Please R&R.**

**Um, this chapter is a little... strange towards the end. I took inspiration from the scene between Bellatrix and Hermione in Deathly Hallows Part 1. Just sayin'. **

I was back in my room within a matter of moments. I changed and got into bed. As I lay there, I wondered what he was doing at this moment. What was he feeling? Was he thinking about me? He was all I could think of. My mind was racing; I could still feel his touch, his kiss. I could hear his breathing and his soft whispers.

I suddenly remembered that I shouldn't be late tomorrow so I set my alarm early. It was early in the morning, about 2 o'clock, so I would most definitely regret setting my alarm for seven.

I didn't dream that night. I sort of fell into a dark abyss for a few long moments before I was pulled back out by the ticking hands of time telling me I had to come back to reality.

After getting up and wandering around for a few moments looking for clean clothes, I suddenly found myself yearning for those few deep seconds I had when I was asleep. I'd felt safe there. Lost in the darkness, away from the hurt and the pain. Soft, dark and dreamless. Is that what death feels like…?

I went for a quick, well-needed shower and emerged to get dressed; my mind all the while was constantly wandering back to Barty.

And that's all it did for two weeks straight. I had reason enough to; it seemed that everything I did wrong in the teachers eyes would land me another detention with Moody leading me to spend almost every night with Barty. I was in a state that no one had ever seen. I forgot all my books and equipment and would wander wordlessly from classroom and classroom, my mind high above me, back in Moody's office, back with Barty. I could think of nothing else but his loving face and his sweet promises. But he wasn't always like that. His psyche would completely change back into the maniac he really was. It was like he couldn't control it. He'd deliberately hurt me and then be begging for forgiveness. It scared me. But I still loved him no matter how bad it got.

And that's when I met Poppy.

It was late one evening and I was going back to my room after a detention with McGonagall. I was disappointed because she hadn't given the detention to Barty to take care of and I hadn't seen him since first lesson when he was Moody. I thought about visiting him anyway. Yes. Yes, I was going to see him, I decided in my head.

I had to go past Snape's office to find Barty and that's where I heard high pitched shouts and sharp cold replies. I stood outside the office trying to listen in, when the door suddenly swung open and a girl ran out in hurry, dropping her red and gold stripped scarf in her wake.

I picked it up and ran after her.

The girl had run into Moaning Myrtle's bathroom and shut herself in the end cubicles. I could hear her crying as I quietly entered. I walked over the cubicle she was behind and pushed the door open.

My eyes widened in horror.

She was using the pointed end of her wand to cut herself. There were words like "USELESS" and "LOST" jaggedly etched into her arms and were continually pulsing fresh waves of blood that was spilling onto the tiled floor. She was halfway through cutting "ALONE" on her left forearm when she saw me and jumped, dropping her bloodied wand.

"You… dropped your scarf," I whispered.

She suddenly burst into fresh new tears and jumped up into my arms.


	6. Chapter 6

I held her for a while. There were blood patches and tear stains covering me but I didn't care. I took her out the cubicle and sat her on the windowsill while I ran the tap and got fresh tissues for her tears. I healed her wounds with my wand but the scars remained, the ugly words brandishing themselves at me.

"You… you're Sebastia Shambles, aren't you?" she whispered suddenly as I cleaned her wand in the sink. "The one that does the singing at the feasts?"

"Yes. What's your name?"

"Poppy Sn- Browne!" she shouted. I jumped.

"Poppy Browne. My name is Poppy Browne," she repeated. She sounded like she was trying to convince herself that was her name.

I hesitated. I wanted to ask why she'd been cutting herself but I felt rude. I tried a different approach.

"The pain makes you feel real," I said instead. "Makes you feel like you have a purpose. All people feel pain. Makes you feel like you belong with them. Makes you feel human again."

She stared at me, teary eyed and bit her lip. "Yeah," Poppy said. "Hey… aren't you dating my cousin, Draco?"

My heart stopped. How the hell had I'd forgotten about Draco?! I'd started seeing him as just another person to ignore in the corridors because I was blocking everyone out and putting all my attention into Barty. What was wrong with me? That boy was crazy for me. These past few weeks without me must have killing him.

"No, I just… went to the Yule Ball with him," I said, turning away from Poppy and started drying her wand.

"Snape is my father," Poppy suddenly announced. "We fight all the time and he always puts me down. Says he's ashamed of me because I'm a Gryffindor. I'll never amount to anything," she said, her voice breaking. She hugged her knees and her eyes filled with tears. I passed her some more tissue.

"There have been rumours about you around school. People saying you've changed."

"What else?" I said, still facing away from Poppy.

"Well, it started when someone thought you fell out with your gang because no one ever sees them with you anymore but it turns out that they're just as confused about your behaviour as the rest of us are."

There was a silent moment.

The concept of telling a stranger about my life for past few weeks didn't seem particularly inviting as I didn't know what she would do with that kind of information. But as I glanced down at the young, dark haired girl with red swollen eyes and ugly scars protruding from her skinny limbs, I couldn't help but think that she was probably in as much pain and confusion as I was. She was most likely worse off.

"Professor Moody," I said.

"What about him?"

"It's not him. There's a man. In disguise as Professor Moody. I think he's a Death Eater. I'm not sure why he's here though. But he…"

I couldn't say the word.

"He what?" Poppy urged.

"He raped me," I whispered.

There was a stunned silence.

I felt the heavy hand that had been holding me down these past weeks lighten. Only slightly but enough.

"Oh, my God!" Poppy shrieked. "Wha… how…?"

Her face turned serious. "Are you pregnant?"

I lifted my head slightly. I suddenly remembered I'd missed my period that month. I hadn't thought about that. Come to think of it I hadn't really thought about _anything_ apart from Barty.

"I… I don't know," I admitted, panicking slightly.

"We _have_ to find out! Who is he anyway?" Poppy asked.

"You know Bartemius Crouch? One of those guys who's hosting the Tournament? It's his son. He escaped from Azkaban. I don't think Mr Crouch knows he's here."

"Have you told anyone?"

I shook my head. "You're the only one that knows. To be honest, I can't see myself telling anyone else." I turned and looked her dead in the eye. "You can't tell anyone either. This is strictly between you and me. Understand?" I said more firmly than I'd meant to.

"But have to tell somebody! This is wrong what he's done to you! How old is he anyway?"

"Older than us, that's for sure. But you don't understand, Poppy. _Nobody_ can know about this. You don't know how bad things will become for me if anyone was to know. So please! I'm begging you! Don't ever tell anybody. Please?"

Poppy stared at me. She kept moving her lips as if she was trying to form words, to argue, but she remained silent and nodded. "Don't worry. I'll never tell a soul."

I smiled. "Thanks."


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey, guys!**

**I'm afraid this might be the last chapter for a while since I haven't finished Chapter 8 yet. Actually, I haven't finished the whole story so I'll get to it when I have time. This is my personal favourite chapter. I don't know why. I just like it more than the others. **

**So I'll get to work on Chapter 8 soon!**

**Sarah/Carlisle x**

I found over the next few days that I felt better. I had someone I could trust in. Someone I could tell whatever to. And by sticking together wherever we went, we quickly became best friends. Her full name was Poppy Amelia Snape. Browne was her mother's maiden name and she just used it because she hated being associated with Professor Snape. Poppy's Muggle mother, Alayna, died when Poppy was young. She had no brothers or sisters. She was in Gryffindor, like me, and shared a room with Hermione but hadn't really made close friends with anyone. And she had an undying love for Harry Potter which I made fun of at every opportunity. She developed a sudden fear for Professor Moody and shuddered whenever he spoke or said anything to me.

One particular lesson, he'd previously set a piece of homework that I'd completely forgotten about and used it as an excuse to call me back after class.

I gave Poppy a longing stare as she gave me a supposedly encouraging smile and left the classroom to go to dinner, leaving me with _him_. I turned to face him.

He was sat at his desk, as Moody, staring up at me with hungry intent which was clear even with his scarred face.

"Wait here," he growled, got up and went into the backroom.

I leant back against the edge of one of the desks. I yawned and rubbed my eyes. I didn't sleep much anymore. I felt that every second away from Barty was just waiting time and I would lie wide awake for hours on end in bed, dying for sleep, for my dreams of him. It was the same in class. I would never listen. I would zone out. I would fall. Down a long, deep, dark hole and I would dream of finding the bottom where I could sleep happily again. There was no way of getting my attention by talking to me. They had to scream and shout. I remember being whacked around the head by Snape once because my cauldron had bubbled over and I was staring straight at it but not really seeing it. I gave everybody blank looks. Nothing made sense anymore. Nothing and nowhere. Only _him_.

Barty emerged from the backroom with a curious look on his face. He often gave me this look. It was as though he didn't like what he'd made me become. Like he didn't quite know who I was anymore. Like he was trying to figure me out. Did I enjoy what he did to me? What did I think about him? Did we both feel the same way about each other? Had I told anyone about what he did to me? Did he like what he turned me into? A misguided ghost of someone he used to know that would wander aimlessly whenever she was away from him instead of a beautiful, over-confident, devilishly intelligent, even _narcissistic_ teenager who had had the world at her feet? He didn't know. And he hadn't really bothered to ask. Until now.

"Sit down," Barty ordered as he placed himself behind is desk.

I did as he said.

"McGonagall recently consulted Dumbledore about your sudden change in behaviour. It's worrying everyone."

He looked me in the eye waiting for a response.

I nodded.

Barty sighed. "He's going to call you to his office. I'm assuming you're not going to tell him anything."

Another look from him.

Another nod from me.

He hesitated a moment. "You haven't told anyone… have you?"

I shook my head. I felt bad for lying but I didn't want to see him angry. Besides I trusted Poppy.

"It's the final task next weekend. If all goes to plan, than I can be away from here before the end of the year." It seemed like he was saying it to himself.

"Where are you going?" I asked ignoring it.

"Back to the Dark Lord." He stopped and stared at me for a moment. A smirk spread on his lips. "Would you like to come with me?" he asked sweetly.

I dropped my gaze and bit my lip. I couldn't join the Death Eaters… It would go against everything I was raised to believe. Muggles weren't bad and there was no reason for them not to be magic and for them to not be able to learn magic. This had fuelled many fights between me and several Slytherins in the past. Maybe I could just go with him but not partake in any killing. Not actually join them. Just be with Barty.

But that meant leaving Hogwarts. Leaving my friends and family. _Betraying them_. I couldn't do that. I was loyal. It took a lot to break me.

But that was exactly what Barty had done. _Broken_ me. I was only a shadow of what I used to be.

It seemed I'd hesitated for a shade too long. Barty had stood up and was standing over me with his wand in his hand. He still had a smirk on his face. But it had changed. It wasn't playful. It was sadistic.

"Hurry up. You don't have time to hesitate. Be careful, Sebastia, or I'll make up your mind for you," he hissed between the kisses he was planting on my neck.

I was panicking. I didn't know what to do. Then I did something neither of us expected.

"Can I… can I have more time?" I whispered feebly.

He pulled back and his dark chocolate brown eyes poured into mine, his smirk lost in the mix of disbelief and confusion that had washed over his face.

"What did you just say?" he half-whispered.

I swallowed. "I want more time to think. It's a big decision."

He dropped his gaze. "It is," he said softly. He ran a hand through his hair. "But then again… who else matters to you besides me? I've seen you. Your every thought centred on me. I can feel it in your kiss. I'm all you want. All need you need. All you have."

He leaned forward again, brushing his lips on mine. I shivered. "You love me."

I tilted my head forward for a kiss but he raised a hand and placed a finger on my lips.

"Say you love me."

It wasn't a question.

I stared deep into his eyes. Did I love him? Did I truly love him? Was it just my mind telling me these past few weeks that if I behaved and did what I was told, then maybe he would grow to love me way I did with him? But then again… I was an actress. Had I got so lost in this sick play that I couldn't remember who I was anymore?

He was growing impatient with my silence.

"Say it." His voice had grown firm, cold and demanding.

I remained quiet, my lips trembling at the thought of saying such words. He straightened up and stared down at me. He had the height advantage. That's what he liked; to be in command. To control. To dominate.

"I know you do. Don't try to deny it. Just say it. And I won't have to make you."

My heart skipped. I knew this was coming but I was still scared.

I _had_ to say it now.

I tried.

Once.

Twice.

But no sound came out.

And he was angry now.

He raised a hand and brought it down hard across my cheek. Tears sprung to my eyes. I didn't feel as bad as I had in the past. It wasn't the first time he'd hit me for not doing something right. And I seemed to make a lot of mistakes with him.

He knelt down to my height and grabbed a fistful of my hair. He held his wand to my throat and hissed menacingly into my ear, "Say it. Say it now."

"I…" I choked on my words.

I couldn't do it.

And he knew it.

He let go of my hair and grabbed my left arm. He pulled up my sleeve and turned my arm over revealing the soft pale flesh of my forearm. He pressed his wand on to my arm and hissed, "_Morsmordre_."

I heart stopped. A painful burning sensation crawled under my skin to form the glaring black shape that was the Dark Mark.

Tears filled my eyes and I couldn't stop them from falling. I couldn't stop the sudden sob that tore from my throat. He pulled me from the chair, sat on it himself and took me on his lap. He held me while I sobbed and whispered sweetly in my ear, kissing me. "Good girl. Very good girl," he kept saying over and over.

He kissed my cheek and breathed, "I love you. I'm sorry, but bad girls get punished. Will you do as I say now? You know I don't like hurting you really. Please say you love me?"

And then I said it. The first real emotion in weeks.

"I love you."


	8. Chapter 8

**Well... It seems I've been telling lies. It turns out I am able to produce another chapter from my original document. So yes, this will be the last chapter for a while since I'm currently working on Chapter 9. Sorry about that.**

**Anyway, please enjoy.**

**Sarah x**

I was supposed to go to Dumbledore's office the next day. I decided to take another day off though.

_That Mark._

There was nothing I could do with it. It wouldn't come off no matter how many spells I used.

_Just great!_

As if my life didn't have enough crap at the moment. I'd been so busy worrying about how I was going to deal with Barty and now there was a new problem; explaining the Mark to everyone. Especially Poppy. She hated Death Eaters because of her father. I couldn't even begin to think how she'd feel if she knew her best friend had the Mark.

And then my day got worse.

Poppy visited me in the afternoon with a pregnancy test that she'd managed to steal from Madam Pomfrey's office. Why that woman had pregnancy tests on her office was well beyond me.

"I know it's ridiculous but if he hasn't been using protection than it's vital that we find out," Poppy said, handing me the box it came in.

I sighed and went into the bathroom. I put fresh bandages over the Mark. I wasn't ready to tell Poppy yet.

I emerged a few minutes later. Poppy was sat on my bed, looking tense and confused. She jumped up when she saw me.

"What does it say!? What does it say!?"

I looked at the plastic stick in my hand. My heart stopped.

_Pregnant 1-2_

Poppy gasped. "Oh my God!"

I stared, open-mouthed. "Wha-what does the 1-2 mean?" I asked dimly.

"How far along you are. Oh, Seb… what are we gonna do?"

I didn't say anything for a few moments.

And that was it. I'd decided. I was going to keep this baby. I was going to raise it. Give it a life. It's what it deserved. I told Poppy this.

"Are you gonna tell Barty?"

"Not yet."

"But… maybe he'll be nice to you! A bit gentler. Maybe he'll stop hitting you," Poppy said, tears brimming.

"I don't care."

I turned and looked dead into her dark eyes.

"He's given me the Mark."

"The what?"

"The Dark Mark. He _gave _me the Dark Mark."

I tugged at the bandages wrapped around my left forearm. It was a faded scar, but still visible.

Poppy's eyes widened in terror. "You… wha… why…" She didn't seem to be able say much else.

"I just want you to know that I'm not in allegiance with them. He forced it upon me. I'd never join them, I swear to you," I said.

Tears escaped her eyes and rolled down her cheeks, staining her pale, placid skin.

"I have to go."

She grabbed her bag and left my room. I didn't try and stop her. I knew she needed to be by herself at that moment.

I went to bed feeling destitute. I thought it would be impossible to tell anyone about what had happened before. But now I had the Mark and the baby to think of.

I felt hopeless.

Abandoned.

In a sense of reality, I was very much not alone. I was in a school full of hundreds of people to help me yet… I was stuck. _How_ do you tell people about things like this?


End file.
